As an ADHD or Autistic Adult, What Do You Wish Your Parents Knew?

When I look back at my childhood, what I wish my parents knew is that I wasn't just lazy or sensitive—they were merely labels that masked the true struggles I faced. I was trying and failing, and I was suffering. Looking back, the message that I received most frequently was the belief that I was 'so smart.' While my intelligence might have been a factor, it never truly solved my problems.

Understanding My Struggles

I was born in 1965, a time when Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Autism Spectrum Disorder (Autism) were not as widely recognized or understood. As a result, my parents, though loving and caring, approached my behavior with a mindset that often misconstrued my struggles. They would tell me that being smart was the solution to all my problems, which it was not.

Conditional Love and Feelings of Inadequacy

My childhood was marked by a lack of validation. Despite my parents' love, they made it clear that their affection was conditional on my performance. The pressure to succeed, coupled with the constant yelling and criticism, made me feel as though I was a burden. I felt stupid and unloved. These feelings haven't entirely dissipated 20 years later; they've instead perpetuated a cycle of self-doubt and self-rejection. As an adult, I find it challenging to provide myself with the same love and understanding that I never received from my parents.

Impact of Misunderstood Behavior

Their misconceptions about my behavior had a profound and lasting impact. For instance, my parents would often tell me, 'If you tried harder, you could do your homework.' However, the reality was far more complex. My struggles with organization, concentration, and processing information meant that the effort required was often more than I could manage. This led to a cycle of frustration and failure, which, in turn, reinforced my feelings of inadequacy.

Support and Understanding Matter

What I wish my parents had known, and what other parents of ADHD and autistic children should understand, is that their child's struggles are not just a matter of willpower or intelligence. These conditions affect the brain in unique ways, making it challenging to perform tasks that are second nature to neurotypical individuals. Validation, understanding, and support should be the cornerstone of parenting an ADHD or autistic child.

Empowering the Next Generation

For parents of ADHD or autistic children today, the key to success lies in acknowledging and validating their children's challenges. Instead of focusing solely on academic performance or social conformity, parents should look for ways to support their child's unique strengths and needs. This might mean finding a school environment that accommodates their learning style, seeking professional help, or simply providing a listening ear and heaps of love.

Conclusion

Looking back, I understand the challenges my parents faced. However, I now believe that a more patient and understanding approach would have made a significant difference. It's not too late to make a positive impact on the lives of our children. By recognizing and embracing the challenges faced by ADHD and autistic individuals, we can help them thrive and uncover the incredible potential hidden within them.