Navigating Marriage to Someone on the Autism Spectrum: A Lifelong Journey of Understanding and Forgiveness

Marriage to someone on the autism spectrum can present unique challenges that go far beyond the usual complexities of any relationship. This is a story that delves into the emotional, mental, and sometimes financial abuse that can occur, along with the journey of understanding and finding a way to forgive.

The Start of the Journey

My story began three years ago when I divorced a woman who I once thought was my equal. However, as the marriage progressed and issues arose, it became clear that she was on the autism spectrum but had never been formally diagnosed. Her behavior and responses to me were so different from what I had expected from a partner, and I was completely unprepared for what to expect.

Understanding and Misunderstanding

For a long time, I didn't fully grasp the nature of our situation. It wasn't until after the divorce proceedings that I immersed myself in study to better understand her viewpoint. Through this process, I came to realize that her behaviors, while difficult to handle, were not necessarily malicious or intentional.

"While the way she treated me might appear monstrous to an allistic partner, I came to understand that it was almost a pure form of narcissism. My realization came when she told me that she thought marrying me was the best decision she had ever made, stating there was no affection, warmth, connection, or companionship. What she experienced was that I met almost all of her needs almost perfectly because I am a highly empathetic person."

A Worldview Mismatch

The core issue lay in the fundamental mismatch of worldviews. She had a singular model of the world and she couldn't understand or see that I was a different person with valid needs and desires. Likewise, her attempts to fulfill my needs were often met with anger or rage because she believed that I should already know her intent and appreciate her.

Forgiveness and Compassion

Over time, I came to understand that even though her actions had been hurtful, it was fairly easy to understand and forgive her. The shock and anger I felt initially gave way to compassion. However, I realized that she would never feel the same way towards me. She now hates me to the end of her days because I destroyed what she believed to be a "perfect life."

Lessons Learned

For allistic people married to autistic individuals, it's crucial to understand that your partner may simply not comprehend the pain they are causing. They have no comprehension of the destruction to self-esteem, the little they contribute, and the demands they place. Often, they are not monsters but individuals whose brains simply do not have the capacity to offer the emotional reciprocation that you require. This can make the relationship incredibly challenging and often not worth it.

While they may never provide the emotional support you need, you can give virtually everything they desire, even if it means tricking them into giving you what you need. Just be prepared to weather daily meltdowns and endless criticism. They are not inherently malicious, but they are often unable to understand and give to you what you give to them, and will not feel gratitude for what you offer.

Conclusion

The journey of understanding and forgiving someone on the autism spectrum can be incredibly difficult, but it is possible. Even though the path was fraught with emotional and mental challenges, it was a journey that ultimately led to a place of compassion and self-discovery. It's a reminder that while a relationship may not work out, the experiences and insights gained can be invaluable.