Navigating Uncomfortability: Why I Struggle with Seeing Gender Nonconforming Women as a Trans Man

As a transgender man, I often find myself grappling with feelings of discomfort when I encounter a gender nonconforming woman. This is a complex emotional experience, one that is grounded in layers of personal and societal influences. In this article, I will delve into the reasons behind these feelings and how understanding them can lead to more empathy and acceptance.

Understanding the Reasons Behind My Discomfort

It is important to recognize that feelings of discomfort are natural and valid. However, it is equally crucial to examine the underlying reasons for such feelings. My discomfort stems from several interconnected issues:

Feeling Noticed or Outed

One of the primary reasons I feel uncomfortable is the fear of being noticed or outed. As a trans or gender-nonconforming individual, the more people present in a visible way, the more attention you attract. This can be a vulnerable position, and I have been mindful of not drawing attention to myself or potentially outing other individuals nearby.

Worries About Misreading Someone

Until recently, I had been presenting as a gender-nonconforming woman. This meant that there was a fear of misgendering someone or misreading their gender. The uncertainty about whether I was correctly interpreting the person’s identity can lead to anxiety and discomfort.

Mourning the Loss of Solidarity

There has also been a palpable sense of grief over the moments of solidarity and shared community that I have previously enjoyed. These moments of connection with others who identify similarly to myself are irreplaceable, and seeing someone who embodies a different understanding of gender can evoke a sense of loss.

Concerns About Misunderstandings and Reactions

The fear of causing harm or misunderstanding the feelings and needs of the other person is significant. I worry about the reactions of the gender nonconforming individual, whether they might be mad at me, disappointed in me, or feel that I have betrayed the community by not fully embodying their attributed gender.

The Impact of Cis-Normative Expectations

Another layer of discomfort comes from the internalization of cis-normative expectations. These expectations can influence my feelings and behaviors in ways that may not align with my authentic self. The fear of not fitting into established norms can create a sense of unease.

More Than Just Emotions

It is important to note that feelings are just feelings. They are a natural part of the human experience, and while paying attention to them is essential, they do not define our actions or interactions. Understanding and processing these feelings can lead to personal growth and greater empathy towards others.

The urge to make sense of these feelings and explore what they might mean for our growth and connection with ourselves and others is a productive endeavor. However, it is crucial to remember that simply experiencing these feelings does not harm anyone. It is only through the willingness to tolerate, listen to, and introspect upon these feelings that we can truly understand and address them.

Engaging with these emotions with openness and curiosity can help us navigate the complexities of our identities and relationships, leading to a more compassionate and inclusive understanding of gender and nonconformity.