Polite Scolding: Effective Communication Techniques for Learning and Growth

Scolding someone politely while ensuring they learn their lesson requires a careful approach. Here are some steps you can follow to ensure effective communication that fosters growth and positivity.

Choosing the Right Setting

Have the conversation in a private and comfortable space to avoid any embarrassment or discomfort. Selecting the right environment sets the tone for an open and constructive dialogue.

Staying Calm and Composed

Approach the conversation with a calm demeanor. Avoid raising your voice or showing anger. Emotional control is key to ensuring your message is received effectively.

Using I-statements

Frame your concerns using I-statements. This approach ensures that you are clearly expressing your feelings and thoughts, rather than accusing or blaming the other person.

Being Specific

Clearly explain what behavior or action was problematic. Avoid vague statements and focus on specific incidents. Specificity makes it easier for the person to understand and reflect on their actions.

Acknowledging Positives

If applicable, start with a compliment or acknowledge the person's strengths. This can soften the impact of your criticism and show that you value their contributions.

Encouraging Dialogue

Allow the person to share their perspective. This shows respect and can lead to a more constructive conversation. Active listening is crucial in this step.

Suggesting Alternatives

Offer constructive feedback on how they can improve. This turns the scolding into a learning opportunity, making the experience more beneficial for everyone involved.

Ending on a Positive Note

Reinforce your belief in their ability to improve and express your willingness to support them. Closing on a positive note helps to maintain a constructive and supportive relationship.

Examples of Effective Polite Scolding

Example:

“Hey [Name], I wanted to talk about something that’s been on my mind. I noticed that during the last meeting, some important points were overlooked. I felt that it affected our overall progress. I really appreciate your contributions and I know you have great ideas. Maybe next time we can work together to ensure everything is covered. I’m here to help if you need it!”

This approach helps convey your message without causing offense, fostering a more positive and constructive outcome.

Lowering Defenses and Resistance

Lowering defences and resistance depends on a number of factors, including the relationship you share with the person you are talking to. Starting from the relationship, consider who you wish to communicate with and influence/correct. Is it your child, spouse, boss, employee, colleague, friend, team mate, sibling, parent, etc., and is the dynamic shared negative or positive?

The underlying layer of mutually accepted or assumed ‘positions’ or platforms from where the parties communicate is critical. For example, you may say 'scold,' which is an assumed parental stance towards an erring child. However, it does not necessarily need to be an actual parent-child relationship. The roles are found scattered in all human dynamics. Even between spouses, you may notice a parent-child conflict/interaction.

This lopsided platform, where one has the authority, and the other has no voice, needs to be addressed before you can attempt to make them fall in line with your vision of who you (or society) think they should be.

The Limitations of the Parent-Child Dynamic

The parent-child dynamic is the least successful if the goal is to make someone self-aware and develop autonomous decision-making. 'I know better' works till the point till the other is dependent on you for bare essentials of food, shelter, and safety. Sometimes, the creative critical faculty is completely hijacked, and disagreement with you comes with high stakes. Survival is threatened. Obeying does not always mean someone agrees; it is often a matter of obedience driven by fear. This fake discipline will eventually lead to disorder and dissension, with people trying to escape and live duplicitous lives.

Before imposing the rules and demanding the right things, there needs to be an understanding of the reason for the dissonance in the first place. There is almost always a good reason. Mostly, the environment is dysfunctional, and rebellion is the only answer to dislodge the diseased system.

Translating Scolding to Constructive Feedback

Change it from 'a scolding' to a sharing of an insight or honest feedback. Informing them is more valuable than making them feel they owe you something. Asking them to agree with you is a waste of time. Replace trying to be someone's conscience with informing them. Enabling them to see the truth is more effective.

Can the person turn around and say to you, 'And who are YOU to decide what I should or should not do?' Do they have the choice and the voice to say that to you? If not, you stand on an uneven ground. While this is how it is with young children and teens, if it continues into adulthood, we have a problem on our hands. There are many people who are stuck in their childhood or teenage years, operating as adults without the skills to make their own choices.

Children learn that it's easy to be fake, nodding eagerly all the while planning how to get what they can't reach. The whole point of experiential learning is defeated if the discipline is always external. Even though your brain is stuffed with theories, you hardly learn anything. What you do learn is how to deceive yourself and others, fall in line, trust other people's judgment more than your own, and live according to a vague idea of perfection, which is soul-sapping.