Reflections of a Former Monster: Lessons from My Past

The journey of self-improvement is a winding road with many twists and turns. As I reflect on my past, I see how far I've come from the person I once was. Looking back, it's clear that I was a 'monster' for a considerable period. This isn't about justifying past actions but understanding the journey towards self-awareness.

The Eric of My Past

At the age of ten, I was quite controlling and aggressive to my friends, causing them to cry. I was unpleasant and lacked empathy, telling them to grow up and even using derogatory terms. This behavior became more defined in my teenage years, where being mean was almost second nature. As I transitioned into young adulthood, my life continued to revolve around trying to stand out and be noticed by others. This led me to neglect my true self, and the consequences were severe.

From Controlling to Crying Friends

My childhood antics weren't just limited to teasing and bullying. In adolescence, my actions had a tangible impact on those around me. My friends suffered, and I lost many due to my mean and aggressive behavior. As I entered my teens, I attempted to shed these harmful traits but it wasn't easy. Confidence depletion made it even harder to understand who I was without these toxic tendencies.

However, it wasn't until I was 19 that things took a darker turn. My relationship with my boyfriend, which had been three years in the making, became one of the most challenging periods of my life. Communication issues began manifesting, and we would often have long, silent periods. This silence, which bordered on the psychological, was particularly frustrating. My anger issues escalated, and I resorted to various methods to make him talk, often resulting in violent encounters. Once these blow-ups occurred, they would last several hours, sometimes days. I never really understood why he was so silent, but I knew it was hurting him as much as it was me.

August 2018 Incident

One of the most critical moments of my life came in August of 2018. My boyfriend kept silent, and I couldn't take it anymore. I became destructive, causing damage to our home and our new puppy. By then, it was clear that the relationship had become toxic, and my actions had become intolerable. My boyfriend felt his respect for me was shattered, leading to his decision to end the relationship. I was devastated, feeling immense guilt over the destruction of our relationship and our home. Yet, with each passing day, I felt myself transcending the monster I had been, transforming into a more empathetic and compassionate individual.

Learning from Mistakes

Despite the pain and frustration, I recognized the importance of self-improvement and emotional control. It was challenging to do, especially when my ex-boyfriend's negative memories were continuously brought up. New canvases and furniture were destroyed, and the pain of revisiting past mistakes seemed never-ending. However, I eventually realized that I had become a better person, and that was all that mattered. The character you show in how you behave after making mistakes is what truly defines you.

Now, I am proud of where I am. While I may have been a monster in the past, I am not now. The ability to reflect on my past mistakes and learn from them is a testament to my personal growth. I no longer harbor resentment towards my ex, and I am genuinely happy for the person he has become. If I could go back, this journey of self-improvement would be worth every moment of pain and struggle because it has led me to be a better version of myself.

Self-improvement is a lifelong journey, and it’s never too late to change for the better. Everyone has a past, but it does not define their future. It's about moving forward with empathy, understanding, and love.