The Pain and Lessons of Generational Comparison: A Sad Story of Self-Esteem and Departure

For the first forty years of my life, my reply to such questions would have been, 'I wish they never had me.' It wasn't easy being on my own at the age of fifteen with no financial security or a stable place to call home. Now, however, I'm someone that another human loves, and I wish to remain alive and cherished.

A Searing Lesson from My Maternal Grandmother

My maternal grandmother played a significant role in our lives, especially my twin and me. At 101 years old, she had a significant influence. One aspect of her interference that was particularly damaging was her relentless comparisons. She frequently harassed my twin and me about our weight, making disparaging comments about what we ate, with remarks about carbs, fat, and the lack of dessert for ‘unhealthy’ individuals. My cousin, on the other hand, was blond and always tan, never exceeding a size 2. This unfair comparison devastated my self-esteem and manifested in severe issues throughout my young adulthood. It wasn't until my 30s that I realized we were not actually overweight; it just felt that way at the time.

Direct Interventions to Protect My Children

The situation worsened when my grandmother started targeting my own children. I was determined not to allow her to bully them as she did me. During meals with her where she made inappropriate remarks, I would intervene immediately to prevent further damage. Thankfully, she has now become more forgetful following a stroke, and she seems to have lost her sharpness and mean streak. She even praised my mother's purple nail polish, something she would have previously found uncomfortable. However, due to her unkind history, I still have no interest in spending time with her.

A Legacy of Missed Connections

The relationship between my paternal grandmother and me was a stark contrast to the ills my maternal grandmother's actions inflicted. She was the true ‘Granny’—the one everyone wanted. I wish her well, but she passed away before most of her great-grandchildren were even born. The absence of this connection is felt deeply.

Despite the heartache, I've gained an invaluable lesson. I no longer return to my maternal grandmother's frequent visits. My mother still sees her, but my sense of peace remains unbroken. It's a small victory in a world where familial ties can be complicated.

In conclusion, dealing with the emotionally scarring effects of generational comparisons and the immediate action to protect younger generations from such experiences are crucial steps towards healing and self-respect. The journey to recovery and understanding one's worth is unique and personal, but it is a necessary one, as we navigate the complex web of familial relationships.